25 Questions

I have several posts in the works on a variety of subjects but until I finish one of those, here's another horse-themed filler post. :)

Photo from my ride on Gracie 2 days ago.

1. Why horses? Why not a sane sport, like soccer or softball or curling?
For a long time, horses made me a better person because they forced me to check my thoughts and emotions at the door. I found a sense of zen and internal peace when riding that I could find with nothing else. But it was horses, or rather one specific horse, that then turned me into an anxious, emotional wreck because while yes, sometimes her behavior was related to things I was subconsciously feeling/thinking, there were just as many times where the anxious nervous wreck was the horse all by herself and there was no calm in the world on my end that could erase that. I'm not going to sugarcoat it just to be more likeable; I'm going to say it like it is.

I became the self-analyzing monster that I am now because of the way I had to handle myself around Lily. This has been, honestly, a good thing, because in learning to analyze my thoughts and emotions, it allowed me to get to know myself so much better.

I have picked up other sports though. I wouldn't call any of them "sane"... Bodybuilding was not a sane sport. Neither is CrossFit. Powerlifting isn't sane either. Feeling the motivation to run outside rain or shine isn't exactly a sane endeavor either. So I've just added other insane, intense sports that require all of my focus to my first one. The difference is that I've moved from a sport where I had an animal teammate to sports where I have no teammates at all: all of the strength sports are about you vs you. Lily set me up for that when I subconsciously decided that the only emotions I wanted to deal with when it came to performance were my own, and I honestly love it. My love for the iron has allowed me to achieve a sense of self-control that I would never have been able to aspire to with horses.

2. What was your riding "career" like as a kid?
I was horrible at all sports. I was also a horrible rider starting out: I was very overweight and it greatly affected my balance. I fell off pretty much every other day at my first riding camp and broke the record for falls by a landslide. I was shunned by all of the other kids in camp and had no friends. Anyone else would have given up. I became a rider out of sheer determination, discipline and dedication: we did not have the means for me to take endless lessons or lease a showjumper or compete with consistency. But I was willing to work, and work hard to get what I wanted. I was fortunate to have trainers that could both see that and were willing to hone the little talent that I apparently did have to turn me into the girl that could ride anything and everything. At the height of my riding "career" at age 17, I was riding anywhere from 3-6 horses/day both from the lesson program and privately owned showjumpers, actively competing in the PR jumper circuit, and setting my sights on eventually making the Olympics thanks to a trainer that, at that time, was both available and willing to take me there. I even elected to be homeschooled during my senior year of high school so I could dedicate that much more time to riding. That all ended when my trainer moved to the US and was later assaulted and nearly killed in a hotel room: he survived a shot to the head and an ice pick through one eye, but he suffered permanent brain damage. Ever wondered why I don't set huge long-term goals? It is because of that.


3. If you could go back in time and buy ONE horse, which one would it be?
Tamarindo. He was the love of my life. It didn't matter that he didn't belong to me on paper because we belonged to one another in spirit. I was devastated the day he died.

Tamarindo <3

4. What disciplines have you participated in?
Equitation Over Fences, jumpers, dressage, endurance.

From my jumper days.

5. What disciplines do you want to participate in some day?
None. I've done all the ones I was interested in. I was interested in Working Equitation for a long time but seeing how disorganized the sport still is (it’s very new in this country)and how harsh the judging can be given how difficult it is (dressage with obstacles, in case you aren't familiar with it) just killed it for me. I honestly just want to have fun with my gaited mare without any competitive goal. It's okay to just want that, guys.


6. Have you bought a horse from an auction or rescue?
I've adopted from rescues: Cloud from Hearts for Horses (they don't exist anymore because the owner was cray-cray) and Rhythm from the South Florida SPCA (if you live in South Florida and are looking for a horse, they do an amazing job: you should check them out.)

Cloud

Cloud and me


Rhythm. He was such a lovely dude.

Rhythm and me at Wolf Lake in Davie, FL.
Wear a helmet ALWAYS! ;D

7. What was your first favorite horse breed? The one you loved as a kid?
I loved the Marguerite Henry books. Mustangs (anyone else read Mustang: Wild Spirit of the West? I was obsessed with the story and the illustrations by Robert Lougheed) and Chincoteague Ponies (because of Misty, durh) were both really high on my list. I had a distinct preference for small horses because I loved the idea of being able to just swing up onto a horse bareback from the ground. I got that wish with Lucero, who was barely 13 hh.

Shown: cantering Lucero bareback. :D

8. If you could live and ride in any country in the world, which one would it be?
This is an actual ongoing conversation right now. I don't care that much about the riding part because it's so likely that I would have to re-home Gracie that riding would seriously go on the backburner. The front runners are: Nova Scotia, Vancouver and the Hawaii islands (we are divided between the big island and Kauai.)

Well, you can ride on the beach in Nova Scotia. Photo from here. (And also Hawaii and Vancouver.)

9. Do you have any horse-related regrets?
To a degree, owning Lily and blogging about her. She gave me so, so much, yes, including this blog, endurance, and the horse I own now, but she destroyed so much about me in the process: my confidence as a rider, my remaining courage, she worsened my anxiety tenfold, and she made me a bazillion times more superstitious. Reactive horses will improve you as a person and rider,  but at the same time, injury-prone horses that are just as capable of hurting you as themselves do not necessarily make you a better person or rider in the long-run.  I'm just beginning to discover the depths of the damage now. And while she inspired the blog, which in turn brought about so many friends and experiences that have happened because of blogging, at the same time I don't think I would have held onto her as long as I did if it hadn't been for the blog. I'm going to be point-blank honest here: when you have a long-time following who enjoys reading about your horse's adventures, in a way your horse becomes owned by both the blog and the public that reads it. I feel like this is a common problem: some equestrian bloggers will stick with horses that make them miserable because there is some sort of unspoken obligation in continuing the story for your readers. I'm not talking about any specific blogs right now; it's just something that I've noticed over the course of the last seven years writing and reading in this space. When it came to selling Lily, there was a definite concern of, "What will my readers think? How hard will they judge me for 'giving up' on her after so many years?" when I finally chose to sell her once and for good. I originally was not going to announce that she was gone because in the end, the mare was mine, not my readers', and I didn't have to answer to anyone when it came to her destiny and my decisions about her. I still don't. I wrote that post because I needed to write it for myself and published it simply because I thought it was the best piece I have written to date. And maybe, just maybe, it would help out someone else who was in the same shoes and afraid to talk about it.

Have I lost readers since I let the world know she was gone? I seem to have the same amount of followers, but the hits my posts are receiving, even the equestrian ones, are significantly decimated with Lily permanently out of the picture. It shouldn't but it honestly makes me a little angry, and it’s something that I’m sorting through at the moment: Lily's story had turned my blog into one of so many equestrian trainwreck blogs out there. To be brutally honest: if you want to have a huge following here, just post about every problem you have with your horse. There came I time when I didn't want to write anymore  about our latest fiasco and how was I going to get ourselves out of it. I want people to read because they care about my story, not because they want to see how I or my horse get hurt. This was another big factor in my decision to expand my blog content beyond horses and to stop discussing every cut, blemish, ding and frustration with Lily.

Anyway. I can tell you right now: if it hadn't been for the blog, I would have sold Lily immediately after she recovered from her ripped face three years ago because I wouldn't have been worrying about "what readers would think."

As it is, I am the only blog that I know of that is openly discussing the emotional damage caused by a horse that the writer dragged her toes about selling for way too long.

10. If you could ride with any trainer in the world, who would it be? 
It's a toss-up between a Mary Wanless clinic (I was just looking into the viability of that a couple of days ago) and riding again with Manuel Trigo, who teaches dressage in the French classical manner and is a huge fan of Spanish-type horses, which includes gaited breeds. This is his organization's website. Riding with him back in 2012 marked a turning point in both my riding in general and my ability to ride Lily.

Photo of Lily and me at Manuel's clinic in 2012.

11. What is one item on your horse-related bucket list?
I honestly have none right now. Gracie is a part of my life that makes me happy but I am just not excited about horses in general right now and have no long-term goals or desires other than to just have fun with the horse that I have.

12. If you were never able to ride again, would you still have horses?
I would keep Gracie. But once she passed, I would not own more. As it stands right now, I can't really see myself owning another horse regardless. "Never say never" and all that, but that is how I feel right now.


13. What is your biggest "riding fantasy" goal?
It still is to gallop bareback down the length of an ocean beach. I guess this could be the answer to #11 as well.

Canter on a beach, yes, but this was on the Chesapeake (so not ocean) and in a saddle (because at the time you couldn't have paid me to ride this mare bareback.)

14. What horse do you feel has taught you the most?
Lily. See question #1.


15. If you could change one thing about your current horse/riding situation, what would it be?
Gracie wouldn't have arthritis: if that were the case, endurance would be back on the drawing board with the goal of eventually making it to the Vermont 100.


16. If you could compete at any horse show/venue in your home country, which one would it be?
This is also assuming that I'm not burned out on horses like I am right now, I was already prepared to compete at that level, and I had access to a horse that I could compete at said level.
a) I would want to compete at the Winter Equestrian Festival in Wellington, Florida. I had the opportunity of spectating both showjumpers and dressage there, and loved the venue and the environment. I never wrote about that here, now that I'm thinking about it.
b) See #15.


17. If you could attend any competition in the world as a spectator, which one would it be?
The Olympics, no matter where they were held.


18. Have you ever thought about quitting horses?
I quit horses when I decided to return to school for my vet tech career. I worked with horses my first summer in school but it was very short-lived due to time constraints between work and classes. I didn't touch a horse for the better part of 3 years and I thought they were out of my life for good...and at the time I was okay with that. What was I doing instead? I bought a MINI Cooper and was learning to do mods on it myself with the goal of eventually racing the car. (NO ONE here knew that one! Lol I might be a cautious person but I always seek out insane sports to do, not just horses...)

We couldn't afford a horse, but as always happens in my life, when I decided I wanted horses again, the Universe conspired to make it happen: it all fell into place like it was meant to be.
As for thinking about quitting after that? Yes. See question #12.


19. If you could snap your fingers and change one thing about the horse industry, what would it be?
Everyone has said the same thing: have horse welfare be a higher priority at competitive events. If you want to have my Black Sheep Blogger honest opinion: I would choose for elective/convenience euthanasia for horses to be an actual choice for owners. Why? Horses are really expensive and people's circumstances can change at the drop of a hat. You can't always re-sell the old but sound horse that hasn't been ridden much in a few years because you were taking care of your growing children, right when your husband asks for a divorce. People get diagnosed with terminal illnesses, they go bankrupt, they lose jobs, they have accidents, they run into serious financial hardship, they get relocated overseas, they change their minds. Horses aren't always young and sound and rideable by anyone who wants to try them. There is also no guarantee that that new owner, if you find one, won't turn around and re-sell your beloved Stormy for a profit...or for slaughter after the first time they fall off. Sometimes you want that horse's road to end with you: safe, loved, happy, instead of sending them off into the unknown. Maybe I've worked in the veterinary industry too long, but to me euthanasia isn't a bad thing. It is often a gift, and it is always better than prolonged suffering. I wish that option was more common for ourselves too. *shrug*


20. What's the dumbest horse-related thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well?
I can't think of anything blatantly dumb per se because I am a nerd that researches the crap out of everything I do, equine and otherwise, as anyone who has read this blog for any length of time will be aware of. I have knowingly taken risks while preparing both my horse and myself as best as I possibly could for it. I don't make decisions lightly. Choosing to do the Old Dominion 50 as my first ride was probably one of the dumbest things I've done, but I did it at the advice of the person that was mentoring me at the time and whose opinion I trusted more than I should have. I had researched the ride and knew it was called The Beast of the East, but had assumed it referred to the 100. The LD was called "easy" and a "great first ride" for endurance prospects by every reputable rider in the local endurance community, so I chose to do the 50 based on that. There were no descriptions of the 50 one way or the other at the time, so I really had no idea what I had gotten us into until we were halfway through the ride and hit that 5-mile vertical climb over rocks that could have killed us if the horses had placed one foot wrong. It turned out pretty well: we completed. Lily was fine afterwards. But I beat myself up mentally over it for the remainder of the year and was criticized for some of my decisions behind my back..except that I did read those criticisms. Guys, I read most comments on every blog I follow. That was 4 years ago and it still feels like a punch in the gut. So...yeah. While the OD 50 was one of the greatest athletic feats I or any of my horses will ever do, I still have a lot of baggage when it comes to that ride, the equestrian blogging community, and what I originally thought was a welcoming online endurance community. While Lily and I were both okay physically after, emotionally I was not.

Lily vs the mountain of the OD.

21. As you become older, what are you becoming more and more afraid of?
As a blogger that is about 10 years older than the average equestrian blogger here, I’ve been criticized in the past for being “too cautious” which is what makes #20 even more ironic. This isn’t just an age thing though: I’ve always been a cautious rider. When you participate in an organized equestrian sport for as long as I did (showjumping, 17 years) and get to see just how badly things can go even in a manicured arena setting, you get the fear of God drilled into you. Example: I saw a friend’s mare stumble while riding at the canter in warm-up...she smoothly took another stride then fell because she had fractured her leg. She had to be euthanized. It was the most random freak accident I’ve ever witnessed in person.

 I've never been afraid of death: death is easy. Crippling injuries that would keep me from being able to work, and thus setting us up for losing everything we have, have always been a major fear of mine. It's even worse after actually having suffered through three major equine-related injuries that limited my ability to work. Hence why I research everything I do before doing it, both so I can minimize my anxiety about new settings/situations and also so both my horse and I are as prepared as we possibly can be for said situation. The good thing of approaching 40 years of age is that I don't feel like I have to prove anything to anyone anymore, either here or IRL. What I do, whether it's writing or riding or lifting or running, I do it for myself, not so I can write about it here for an audience to judge. If I choose to write about something nowadays, it’s because it excites me and I want to share it, or it moves me and I want to put it into words.


22. What horse-related book impacted you the most?
Klaus Hempfling's Dancing with Horses. It changed the entire way I approach horses (and other animals) on the ground, and helped me develop my own groundwork style that works for both me and the horses in my care. It was crucial to my learning to understand Lily's excessive reactivity a few months after she became mine.


23. What personality trait do you value the most in a horse and which one do you hate the most?
It's hard to choose just one of each.
Value:
1. Unflappable
2. Independent
3. Trusts by default

Hate the most:
1. Reactive
2. Herd-bound
3. Neurotic

Basically: Gracie is the physical incarnation of everything I love in a horse, while Lily was the manifestation of everything I disliked.


24. What do you love most about your discipline?
What discipline? You mean the gaited dressage-ish that I'm doing right now? 😂
I love that I get to do it with my horse. 😊

Photo of us from 2 days ago.

25. What are you focused on improving the most at the moment?
I'm just working on improving Gracie's athletic capabilities right now. I'm thrilled with where we are headed. Have two videos of a gaited mare doing quality transition work. There isn't much of this in Equestrian Blogland and I'm going to claim this niche:

Canter-gait-canter-gait transitions.

These were soooooo pretty. This exercise used to be impossible for G-Mare.

Canter-trot-gait-walk transitions

(Dropping the reins at the walk was deliberate: letting her stretch down instantly is my reward to her for a job well done.