Year End Meme

1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
I competed in endurance!


2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2015?
I'm doing a separate goals review post, but I didn't really keep any of my goals for myself. However, the ones I set for Lily were far, far exceeded: my original plan for 2014 was to do one LD on Lily and instead we did two 50's.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Charles's best friends had their first children. This was kind of epic in different ways: Victor is the one other person outside of family that he's known the longest. (I'm the other person Charles has known the longest.) We thought for a long time that he'd never really settle down...until he met the woman he married. He fell HARD, hell-over-heels in love with her, and it's been really awesome to see him posting pics of himself and his wife all over FB for the last couple of years. He'd never done that before. He's a proud and dedicated daddy: his FB is now full of pics of both his wife and his son.  The other friend, Will, was also sweet to watch: he used to be a crazy party animal in his heyday and Charles's companion when they hung out in the Puerto Rican and later Floridian rave scenes when they lived in Orlando. Will met the woman of his dreams a few years ago and never looked back. He is madly in love with his wife, and they also welcomed their firstborn, a daughter, into the world this year. Will's photos of his little girl are truly heart-warming, and it's obvious that his little one is all he thinks about! Coming from a situation where my dad abandoned the family, it's wonderful to see two men so dedicated to their families. There is something to be said about Puerto Rican men ;) but also about the loving women that have brought out the best in them.


4. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014? 
A horse trailer of our own. And to live closer to the barn. In FL we lived THREE MILES from the barn. I can't even begin to tell you how awesome that was. While the current 10-mile, 30-minute drive is way less than what other bloggers drive, it makes it harder to make it to the barn every day when you have a weird work schedule. I'd love to live closer.


5. Did anyone close to you die?
No.


6. What countries did you visit?
All of our travelling was within the US.


7. What date from 2014 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
June 14. The first time Lily and I rode and completed 50 miles, over the most difficult trail of the East Coast.

8. What was your biggest achievement of 2014? 
Turning Lily into an endurance horse. Sorry, this year really did revolve around endurance. It was all I prepared for and thought about when I wasn't physically at work.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I was never able to get my act together to even start compiling the case studies to do my veterinary technician specialty in Emergency and Critical Care. I was SO burned out at work this year that the last thing I wanted to do was have to think about work when I wasn't actually working. Thankfully the burnout disappeared when we were switched back to three 12-hour shifts a week.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bronchitis and a concussion.


11. What was the best thing you bought? 
I was so excited when we bought Gracie. So much hope and happiness revolving around bringing her into our lives. After the concussion I feel like I've had to start all over with her, like I had to delete everything I thought I knew about her and just get to know her from scratch. I didn't include her in the Shining Star post because I've had to change my expectations of her so much this year, I honestly don't know what I'm proud of her for. I'm currently happy with her, but it's been a roller coaster where she is concerned. I originally wanted her to be the backup endurance horse. At one point I thought she just might be my potential 100-miler horse...until her arthritis diagnosis. So I thought maybe we could do LDs with her...and then she started falling at Kathy's shortly after the move. And then she caused my concussion, and for a long time I was up in the air about whether I'd have to put her down, retire her or sell her, and whether I wanted to keep her even if she was normal neurologically. We weren't able to find anything physically wrong with her and she's been doing well so far which bodes well for her future with us, but I still work around her with the same kind of emotional detachment I use for working with other people's horses.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Charles's. He is the best husband and partner, and is always game to participate in any and all adventures I come up with. Even the one that includes a second horse.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Gracie's when she knocked me over in the field. It literally made me appalled and depressed, though it's not her fault.

14. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate at this time last year?
Lola. Though "hate" is a pretty strong term for it. I just dislike her. I'm still confused about what happened there. She was my first friend in Maryland and I heavily advertised her blog on mine when she complained that she didn't have followers. We commiserated over our problem horses back at the first MD barn. However, when I started making big progress with Lily's training at the second barn we boarded at together, instead of celebrating with me, she stopped talking to me. She wins the award for simultaneously creating both blog and barn drama in one fell swoop this year when she tried to get both Liz and I in trouble with my BO by using our blogs as a weapon. Thankfully the issue had already been discussed with the BO prior to the writing of the blog posts, and we had written nothing that we wouldn't want the BO to read. What really got to me about the whole thing was the intent: the woman had previously called herself my friend. Instead of bringing her supposed concerns directly to me, she just went straight to the BO to discuss an issue that had nothing to do with Lola herself. I had to laugh when afterwards Lola defriended me on Facebook. I really don't understand people.


15. Where did most of your money go?
Rent and Charles's student loans. The amounts are just about equal at this moment.

Both our "daughter" and our turnkey.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Riding at the Old Dominion endurance ride.

17. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Timber

Shut up. ;) So what if the song talks about getting so drunk you don't remember anything. Setting the lyrics aside, I actually really like this song for the following reasons:
a) it's Pitbull and Ke$ha (I have my reasons: Ke$ha's song Tik Tok got me through many an overnight back when I first started in vet med and Pitbull was so overplayed in South FL that his voice still reminds me of the good times living down there)
b) it's the perfect combination of country and dance music
c) Pitbull's setting in the video (it's Major Big Cay in Exuma, the Bahamas. Also known as Pig Island. If you watch the video, you'll see why)
d) it was played so much on the radio in early 2014 that it will forever make me think of galloping Lily across snow-covered fields. It was usually playing in my head during those moments.

And Rude:

I love this song. I love the reggae rhythm and how both soothing and uplifting it is. It was my favorite song of this summer and it played so many times on my Pandora while doing speedwork with Lily on the barn's fields that it will always remind me of cantering her around the brilliant green grass under the blazing sun.

So basically where Timber left off, Rude picked up on the radio. My two songs of 2014. :)

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder? Sadder

b) Thinner or fatter? Fatter. Holiday food + not being able to work out or ride.

c) Richer or poorer? Poorer

19. What do you wish you'd done more of? 

Trail running. I wanted to run a couple of trail races. I would have liked for us to have travelled more, even if just locally, and just been able to have more fun together, Charles and I. We have several things on the bucket list for this area still: to visit the Sugarloaf Mountain vineyards, go walking through more of the museums in DC (I've only been to the MOMA and the Museum of Natural History), to go to any of the local farms where you can pick your own fruits and veggies and actually pick our own fruit, to spend a night on the town in DC with friends (any volunteers??), and so many more. We love this area, the entire DC/MD/VA area, and when you add in all the stuff I still want to do involving horses, we really could just live here for the rest of our lives and still always have something new to do. Unlike when we lived in South FL, you can actually go out and have a good time without having to spend a ton of money.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worry. Worry about health both Charles's and mine, worry about money, worry about the horses, worry about my job, worry about the cats. There's been a lot of worry this year.

I was told this sweet girl whom I adore might have cancer. Thankfully she proved the doctors wrong. 

21. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it working in the veterinary ER and didn't get to see Charles. Lots of sick animals in the morning on that day, way too many dogs that ate chocolate which, having owned multiple dogs for the first 25 years of my life where we baked every single Christmas, I still find it kind of surprising when people are unable to keep the dogs out of the chocolate baking stuff.

I can understand with a large counter-surfing dog (though why not lock it out of the kitchen while you bake then?), but a little one? And granted, then there are dogs like this one.

We had two euthanasias amid the emergencies; I kept a very, very critical dog stable and helped her blood pressure go up by keeping my doctor informed of her condition every 15 minutes so her therapies could be tweaked constantly (stabilizing critical animals is an art); we had a couple of general practice-type "emergencies" where the owners brought their pets in simply because their regular vet was closed for the day. By early afternoon, the ER slowed down and we were able to enjoy the awesome Boston Market lunch that the hospital had had catered for us:

Charles's human ER was insane. He said it was so full when he walked in on Christmas Day that it was like all of the little kids had asked Santa for a hospital stay over the holidays. :/

So Charles and I finally opened presents today instead.

Charles had all of the presents under the tree and the tree lit up on the 23rd when I got home from work.  He was off that day so he made an amazing Christmas dinner so we could have it together in advance. (Both of us worked the 24th and the 25th.)
We bought a real wreath and hung it above the fake tree in the hopes that it would give the house that lovely pine tree smell. It didn't work, but it looks pretty all the same. If unusual. Haha...

22. Did you fall in love in 2014?

I celebrated 10 years of being in love with the man of my life, Charles.

23. Did your heart break in 2014?

No.

24. How many one night stands?

None. Durh.

25. What was your favorite TV program?

Orange is the New Black. I think we discovered it this year?

26. Where were you when 2014 began?

I was at work. I had just been switched from working weekend days to working the mid-shift during the week, and I was still feeling my way around my main coworker, who was known in the hospital for having a rather challenging personality. I was actually walking down the hallway to transfer one of our patients from the emergency room to our Intermediate Care Ward right when the clock hit midnight. The patient was a small fluffy dog but I don't remember what was wrong with it. So since I was in the hallway when New Year's started, I missed the wishes of "Happy New Year" both in the ER and in the Ward. I was already upset over not being able to be with Charles (they made him work ALL THREE HOLIDAYS at his job last year. RNs don't always get to choose their holidays off. I had chosen to work rather than spend it alone at home) and so I was even more upset that no one wished me a happy New Year. I walked back into the ER livid and when no one still said anything, snapped, "Well happy New Year to you guys too." They were surprised that I was angry and when I explained, everyone went out of their way to make it better and I ended up laughing that I'd been so silly about the whole thing.


27. Who were you with?
Jon, Moira and Joana.


28. Where will you be when 2014 ends?
We don't know yet, but at least we'll be together this time!


29. Who will you be with when 2015 starts?
With Charles!


30. What was the best book you read?
Falling for Eli by Nancy Shulins.

31. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Reggae Christmas music. Charles hates Christmas music and I love Christmas music. We both love reggae. One of his coworkers was playing this last week at work and Charles returned home very excited about it. So now I finally get to listen to as much Christmas music as I want around the holidays and Charles doesn't mind because it's basically reggae. We have reached an agreement. ;)

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think this is seriously awesome!

32. What did you want and get?
A second horse that was gaited.

A truck that could tow a horse trailer.

To do endurance.

To get to ride again with Charles.

33. What did you want and not get?
A bike maybe. As in, a mountain bike. But having the second horse made this kind of a moot point. I actually got every single thing that I wanted this year.


34. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I worked. Everyone at work was lovely as always, stopping by the ER out of the blue to wish me a happy birthday and just making me feel loved, and my supervisor brought me cake from Wegman's. (If you live in Maryland, you might know about Wegman's bakery. If you don't, you should try it...ALL of their cakes are amazing!) And Charles was at home laid up after his knee injury that happened while riding Gracie (I sound like someone in an abusive relationship defending the spouse that beats her up, but this was a classic green rider + green horse moment. And don't think I haven't beat myself up about that one too, because I have. That one was my fault too on many levels for taking way too many things for granted when I okayed Charles's wishes of riding Gracie.) He was still having a hard time getting around, but he still got up and drove to the mall to get me Lilly Magilly's cupcakes as a surprise, which I honestly didn't feel like I deserved. I turned 35. I was off the following day and we were originally going to go for a long trail ride, but obviously Charles couldn't so I ended up riding Lily and longing Gracie which given the circumstances was good enough. I know we went out to dinner but I can't remember which restaurant it was: we tried out a few new ones in the area around that time.

34. What was your favorite film of this year?
We didn't go to the movie theater a single time this year. Of the movies I watched on video, my favorite was The Lone Ranger.


36. How many different states did you travel to in 2014?
Georgia, West Virginia, Virginia.

The road trip to Atlanta, GA with Liz was one of the highlights of the year for me.

37. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Endurance clothes (bright shirts and riding tights) or scrubs most of the time.


38. What kept you sane? 
Charles, Lily, Liz and Karen.

Karen, I hope one day we can have the real you in the photo with us!

39. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None.

40. Whom did you miss? 
My mom. She was supposed to visit this fall but they had to do some repairs to their house. And Diana, who was supposed to visit in May and has yet to reschedule her trip.

With my mom on the Metro when she visited last summer.

With Diana when we visited FL last November.

41. How many concerts did you see in 2014?
None.

42. Who were the best new people you met?
Dom!

Endurance Trifecta hand sign!

And Gail!

Walking in with her and Nimo at the Fort Valley LD

43. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
I want to come up with something brilliant, but I don't have anything. I started my year-end review and became depressed when I realized how bright 2014 had started and how dark it became. I'm very lucky and grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong, but I hate the fact that sometimes no matter how positive you are, how good you are, and how you try to look on the bright side of things, bad things can still happen. I am reminded of this constantly at work too when really good people bring their really wonderful pets in for stuff that ends up causing their early or drawn-out demise. You will understand how all of this ties in together when I publish the official year-end review.

When the whole concussion thing happened, I was told to "be extra paranoid." You know what? I struggle with that every single day. I have a tendency to be negative. The blog has been a huge help in helping me see things in a positive light, because no one wants to read a bummer blog. I have some anxiety issues that I cope with silently. I can tell you all the million things that can go wrong with every single scenario you can think of. Me getting on my horse and riding out into the unknown alone day after day is (I refuse to say "was") a HUGE thing for me. I have a brother that succumbed to his paranoia and he hasn't set foot outside of his house in over a year. The comment about being extra paranoid really hit a nerve and was extremely upsetting. To be extra paranoid is to not live. It was hard to leave the apartment on the fourth day after my injury. When your head isn't right and you can't balance any little thing can throw you off. Can make you fall. Can make your injury worse. I was hyper-aware of this. Even driving down the street to go to work 3 miles away, I was terrified of being hit by another car because it would mean ending up in the hospital for sure with a worsened head injury. But I had to leave the apartment. I had to work. I only get 2 sick days a year and 4 days of vacation. I didn't get disability at the time. And I don't have a desk job: I work 12 hours a day on my feet, constantly squatting, kneeling, bending, lifting, walking, running. All things that made my head spin after the concussion. My veterinary ER is a busy one. It is very hard to run down a long hallway while carrying a dying 90 lb dog when you can't even walk straight. It is hard to do chest compressions when your head feels like it wants to fall off of your neck. But I left the house and I did it. My coworkers are amazing people and they helped me out as much as they could those god-awful first few weeks. My second day back on the job, a full week after I hit my head, I was holding the hind legs of a fractious 60 lb Shepherd who was lying on her back for an ultrasound. The dog started kicking hard with her hind legs, so hard I couldn't get her to stop, shaking me so much that I was nauseous for hours afterwards.

I can't even tell you how hard it was to go to the barn. Just driving there and walking around and getting the horses and putting the longing gear on them and just working them was a huge mental ordeal. There's a reason why I was taking Charles with me even though we weren't riding. The physical and mental aspect of doing anything was exhausting, and the exhaustion led to only more dizziness for a really, really long time. It was like I could never escape the effects of the injury no matter what I did during the day: Every waking hour, I was constantly reminded of all of the levels of my own stupidity, from buying the horse that caused the injury, to deciding to remove her sheet while she was trying to get away from me, to choosing to stand in the way instead of closing the pasture gate. If only if only if only. Can you say mental hole?

It's been an awfully long and rather terrifying struggle to get better from my brain injury, both mentally and physically, and I'm still not completely over the hump. It's been over 6 weeks since the accident.

So maybe that's it. That's what 2014 taught me, which is a reinforcement of what I learned in 2013: I refuse to live my life in fear. Fuck the fear. 


44. What are your plans for 2015?
To survive it. To still have in my life Charles, the cats, Lily, our vehicles, an apartment, our health and our jobs by the end of it. Charles and I have been dreading 2015 for the last 3 years. It marks the start of a new era for us, and how we make things work in 2015 will set the trend for the next 17 years of our lives.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but a lot of things have to fall into place before then.

Barbed Wire

Aka that thing you never want your horse to come in contact with.

Last week I had Lily tied to the fence with her rope halter and I was getting ready to tack her up. I walk up to her, empty-handed, calm and happy, as I had really been looking forward to riding her. We were just going to do a dressagey ride in the paddock.

When I was within 2 feet of her, with her looking right at me, she had an EPIC MELTDOWN. As in head slinging, bucking on the end of the lead rope, flinging her legs every which way in such a manner that I could not get in front of her to release the quick-release knot on the rope. I did try, but that made her frenzy worse. She managed to knock her head on the fence too. I could only step back and watch her helplessly. You'll say that this is why horses should always wear breakaway halters. Well, I had a horse that learned he could pull and break the halter every. single. time. So after that I commonly do tie my horses with rope halters and a quick release knot, though for certain circumstances like trailering, they do wear nylon halters with leather breakaway crowns. I never wander far from a horse tied by a rope halter, and I've never had an issue with being able to get to the quick release knot in an emergency prior to this. 

She finally stopped and stood trembling, and I was able to release her without her losing her mind. I just wanted to sit on the ground and cry. I had no idea why she had just done this. Everyone loves her at this barn. It's just Zoe, Kathy and me, and I have seen Lily around them: she loves them too. A cold front was moving in on that day and the wind was starting to pick up, but we were on the back of the property where nothing was flapping or flying, there had been no odd sounds, no activity on the neighboring farm, nothing happening in the woods. I had ridden her the day before, a light ride to get her warmed up to being under saddle again after her 2-week vacation post Fort Valley 50. She had been a little weird on the ground but fine under saddle.

I untied her and tried doing some basic longing with her but she started tearing around me in terror, refusing to stop. I reeled her in before she could hurt herself.

My levels of upset skyrocketed. I did not know why she was acting this way and did not understand it, but it was a total and absolute regression to the way she used to be before, before I did all of the management changes and the trail riding and the confidence building. She was an emotional wreck and I couldn't understand why. She was not in heat and she has not been hurt by people in years. I've handled and ridden her in awful weather before and it has never been an issue. Heck, we even had a tree fall behind us on the trail a few weeks ago, and she just stood there without exploding while I braced, prepared for her to bolt. She turned her head to look at me, "Are you okay?" and we continued on our way down the trail.

I removed her lead rope and set her free in the paddock to let her run around while I stood in the center. And she relaxed. And then I decided to take her to the back field, the one by the park which is the 2nd largest on the property. I called Lily and she slowed to a walk but continued moving away from me. "Ven aca," I told her. The mare is bilingual. I talk to her in Spanish and most of the new commands I've taught her are in Spanish simply because it is my first language but the basic commands, "Walk", "Trot", "Up" to request the canter, "Easy", "Whoa," "Stand" and "Good girl!" are all in English because it's the language in which she was originally trained and she came to me knowing all of these. It is for her benefit that I've left these commands as is, because we live in a country where English is the first language.

I've used "Ven" to ask her to come to me. But I don't remember using "Ven aca" before. It means "Come here" and is used with more authority. More like "Come here NOW". To my surprise, Lily came to a full and sudden halt, turned and started walking towards me, ears pricked. I was shocked x2. First in that she had responded to a new command with the promptness it entailed and also because she had chosen to come to me at all at my bidding...and with a happy expression. When she is truly upset, there is no getting her to come to you.

She was reactive about me touching her, but she let me lead her by the halter to the back field. There she trotted and cantered at my requests and she gradually started closing the space between her and me until she was trotting and cantering on command in a 40 meter circle around me despite having a full acre to run on. I have not trained her to longe at liberty like that. I can get her to trot and canter from across a field, but the longing at liberty is something that she has chosen to start doing on her own over the last year and a half. Again she came when I called.

I did end up riding her, but we just walked and worked on stretching, relaxation and neck reining for 20 minutes. Nothing more. She was absolutely fine under saddle, just like she had been the day before.

I later talked to Zoe about the whole thing and she said Deja gets like that about static. It is still crazy to me that Lily would be SO reactive about even the possibility of static that she would hurt herself, but I started using Show Sheen under her sheet and blanket after that and wouldn't you know: no more static and no more spastic behaviors from her.

This past weekend Charles was off from work so he came out to ride with me. On Saturday we did a short ride in the park, where we covered 5 miles in 45 minutes. It was Charles's first time riding in the cold, as temps were in the low 40's with wind chills in the 30's. We moved out at a fairly fast pace to stay warm! And also to make it back to the barn before the dusk turned to night. We had so much fun, just trotting and cantering through the trees. There wasn't a soul in the park; we had it all to ourselves.The mares took turns leading and were forward and happy, Lily even pulling on the bit in her eagerness to go faster. It was a really great ride, and I felt like I had finally emerged from the funk that had slowly wrapped itself around me over the last few weeks.

On Sunday we went for another ride. It was slightly warmer at 42 degrees with no wind, and I had been hoping to do a longer ride: either 10 miles or 2 hours, whichever came first. We set out taking every single dead-end loop in the park to up the mileage in a way that would keep us from having to double back on any of the trails. 

There is a somewhat overgrown trail that follows the Hawlings River that looked like it had been cleared. We had never been down this particular trail but had been told of other riders that have used, so we set off to explore. 

The trail was narrow, though, with brush and trees on the right and an old barbed wire fence on the left. I warned Charles to be very careful with the barbed wire. We came to a small, rocky creek crossing where Lily hesitated initially. She crossed with minimal insistence from me but Gracie absolutely did not want to follow Lily through. After several attempts, Charles got off to try to lead her across but she planted her feet like a mule and refused. She was trembling despite his patient insistence and calm reassuring. I didn't like the way this was going though: you had to walk down an incline made up of rocks to then cross the small creek. If Gracie decided to rush forward or jump, the chances of Charles getting hurt were pretty high. There was no real room for him to get out of the way. "Let's call it," I told Charles. "Let's just turn around." To my chagrin, Charles led Gracie through a wide gap in the barbed wire fence. Someone had cut the wire previously; I could see it on the ground as Lily stepped carefully over it. I explained to Charles why he had to be REALLY careful about stepping over barbed wire.

It was an omen. 

This section led into the field at the bottom of the galloping hill that Kathy and I used to take all the time over the winter. We rode around the field and I was wondering why we hadn't ever explored it before. The tiny creek cut through it, creating a deep trench through the center of the field. Charles rode on ahead and I was watching the footing in front of us. Right when I though, "This is a flood plain. This is why I've always instinctively avoided it," and brought Lily to a halt, Gracie sank to her cannon bones in mud that was completely hidden by the grass some 100 feet in front of us. "Get out of there NOW!" I yelled at Charles. He swung Gracie around and we cantered towards the galloping hill, away from the creek. 

We galloped up the hill and walked down the side of it, Charles leading the way. We cantered down the grassy easement that flows out of the park and dead-ends at the gate to a neighboring farm. We turned around like we usually do, and walked back towards the woods.

Walking back up the easement

Instead of heading back towards the main trail, I decided to do the galloping hill backwards. At a walk, of course. That hill is way too steep to go down it at anything faster than a walk.

You can see the trail going up the hill off to Charles's left

I want to point out that I have ridden all over this hill multiple times. There is a trail that winds around the top of it that I had explored more than once over the summer. I have come across hikers, both alone and with dogs, on this hill, and this trail was shown to me by other trail riders at the previous barn. 

I had found the trail that goes around the top of the hill and Charles was riding ahead and to the side of me, some 20 meters away. The trail disappeared in the carpet of leaves and I decided to just turn around and go back to the main trail we always take. Lily suddenly stopped and I felt her wiggle a hind foot. 

"Wait, she's stuck," Charles said. I tried to turn around to see how she'd gotten stuck, assuming it was a branch and I just needed to make her back up. 

And that's when she lifted the hind foot and I saw the barbed wire wrapped around her fetlock. Brand new barbed wire that had been hiding under the leaves. I went to swing off of Lily, but that was the same instant she felt the wire embed itself in her skin and she lost her mind. I had my hands full trying to keep her from leaping forward and causing more damage to her leg. I was also afraid to jump off or throw myself off of her because I had no idea where the wire was and didn't want to get tangled in it myself. She kicked out...and the two strands of wire that were wrapped around her leg sprang out of the leaves, one on each side of Gracie. Who of course spooked and so Charles couldn't come to the rescue either: he had to keep a panicking Gracie within the two strands of wire so she wouldn't get tangled in them too. 

It was like something out of a freaking horror movie. Or War Horse. I had this momentary vision of the four of us ending up tangled in the wire and bleeding out in the woods.

I hated the barbed wire scene in that movie...

Lily finally kicked her leg free and tried to plunge forward but I halted her and dismounted immediately. 

She was holding up her left hind and it was covered in blood. There was blood spurting from a spot right below her hock on the side of her leg, and several splatters of blood all over her white sock that made it impossible to tell if they were from the cut on the side of the leg or if they were cuts themselves. 

Charles was able to get Gracie out from between the two strands of wire and we searched his saddle bags. Which I had emptied for Fort Valley. My saddle bags with all of my first aid stuff were attached to my dressage saddle. Which was back at the barn, 3 miles away. So I had NOTHING to wrap her leg with or doctor the wound. I was beating myself up over this: OF COURSE the one time I really need the contents of my saddle bags is the one time I don't bring them!!

I was furious at myself. I asked Lily to walk and she was able to put weight on the leg. So I led her back down the hill and down the trail, Charles following on Gracie. He said she seemed to have full range of motion on the left hind. I jogged her for a few strides for him to evaluate, and he said she looked fine.

I sent Lily first into the first large creek crossing we encountered so I could wash the blood off of her leg and better assess the damage. She didn't want to put her leg in the icy water but I finally convinced her and she let me clean her up. She had a cut across the front of her leg, right above the fetlock, the spot under her hock that had stopped bleeding, some more cuts on the inside of the pastern, and a 1" diameter section behind her heel where she had sliced off the skin in a neat triangle. This of course was the most painful spot of all but thankfully it wasn't a spot that was coming into direct contact with the ground. We breathed a sigh of relief that there didn't seem to be anything that immediately required medical attention and continued on our way. Not like we could have done anything if there had been a matter of urgency, but it was good to know regardless. 

About halfway home, I took Lily down into the Hawlings River, where the water is closer to knee height, and sent her into the icy running water to let the river wash her wounds and also do a very cold soaking. I had her stand there for about 5 minutes and we then continued on our way. Note to self: teach all future horses to send. I can't tell you how many times this particular skill of Lily's has proven to be monumentally useful. 

Once back at the barn, Charles untacked Gracie while I gave Lily a dose of bute and then a dose of oral ace: I was going to have to try to clip the leg and I knew she was not going to be happy about it. I untacked her, washed the leg well with soap and cold hosed it for 10 minutes, then let her eat her dinner mash while waiting for the acepromazine to kick in.

The cut across the front of her leg after I had cleaned her up. The blood further down on her pastern was from some scrapes from the barbed wire but they ended up being just that: scrapes. I really hate how much fuzzy winter coats will hide on legs.

It actually doesn't look bad in this photo and you can't see the triangle of missing skin, but you get an idea of the cut's location. It continued to bleed sporadically.

She let me more or less clip the areas where I had seen blood on the leg and it looked like everything was indeed superficial, even the cut below her hock that had bled the most after the accident. I was worried about the back of the leg above the sock because there had been some spots of blood there and she didn't want me to clip it. She's never liked me clipping the back of that leg since one of her bad fungal infections in FL, and I don't blame her. I just wasn't 100% sure that there wasn't anything else going on there. I was also worried about the cut on her heel because it appeared to have a small fissure across the center of it which I figured couldn't be deep but I had no real way of knowing without looking at it closely and it was the one part of her leg that she really did not want me to touch. I let the leg dry off and then squirted all of the cuts with Betadine. And gooped some Furazone over the raw triangle at the back of her heel to try to protect it. It was in a bad spot for bandaging or booting, especially with the weather we were supposed to have: we were expecting rain overnight and all of the next day. The weather was happy to oblige the forecast: it started sleeting while we were getting ready to leave. Lily went out with the other mares. In this fashion she would move around more, but I knew she was going to swell up overnight. Because cuts on horse legs.

I just didn't know how much it would be.

It was solid rain all morning the next day; I didn't get out to the barn until after 2:00 pm when it finally died down somewhat. Kathy had been texting me to let me know that the leg, while fine that morning, had been progressively becoming more swollen over the course of the day and Lily seemed to be getting ouchier on it.

The leg was indeed a tree trunk when I got to the barn. Lily had been standing in the run-in most of the day to stay dry and warm, and that had not helped the situation.

Left leg, the one with the sock. Somehow swollen legs always look better in photos than in real life. But the leg was literally round; no tendon/bone definition at all from the hock down.

Lily was toe-touching lame on it. I figured it was from all the swelling but you know: barbed wire. She would not let me touch the leg and there was something about her general disposition that didn't seem quite right. The vet was supposed to come out Friday anyway for shots and it would save me an exam fee if I waited. But it was Monday and I had to work the next three days and I wasn't sure that this was going to get better with just bute and cold hosing, especially with the time constraints that come with working 12 hour shifts. I squatted on the ground to look at the leg better and everything in me said, "Call the vet."

So I did. I spoke with my vet's receptionist, who is awesome, and explained what had happened including the progression of swelling and lameness. She asked if she could put me on hold and she called my vet directly. When she came back on the line, she asked if my vet could come out that same afternoon. It would be an emergency exam because it would end up being after hours: my vet was booked for the day, which I expected, but they didn't want to wait another day to come out. The emergency exam with Dr. H is only $20 more than the regular exam fee. I said yes.

I had about an hour and a half to kill, so I cold-hosed the leg, gave Lily 1 gram of bute because it just hurt to watch her trying to move around, and brought her into the barn for a bit to escape the rain while eating hay. She was blanketed and not wet, but it meant I could sit out of the rain for a while too. And I cried because lately I can't seem to do anything right by her. I was afraid there was something else going on as a result of the barbed wire, something that I couldn't see that would result in her retirement. All of this because of one trail ride.

My vet and her new associate showed up at exactly the time they had said they would arrive. They were able to inspect the leg closely and had the same concerns as I had about the cut on Lily's heel, but they were able to confirm that it was indeed superficial. While waiting, I had thought I should check Lily's temperature but my thermometer was in the car on the other side of the property and I had not wanted to go out walking in the rain to get it. I knew the vet would get a temperature anyway as part of the physical exam. Lily had a fever of 103.

She was started on SMZ right away. I gave her the first dose while the vet while still there. She also had a tetanus booster. The leg was too painful for the ice boot so I cold hosed her one more time.

I put Lily in the run-in shed paddock and closed Gracie off in the paddock next door with what we call the "shitty shed". In this manner, Lily could have all of the larger main run-in to herself and she could also have as much hay as she wanted without Gracie trying to steal it from her. She only ate half of her mash but she had been eating hay so I wasn't terribly concerned that. I was just concerned about everything else: the massive swelling, the pain, and the rapid onset of the fever.

She had 48 hours to get better. We would have to switch antibiotics if she didn't. I personally did not want to do the injectable antibiotics again, as that had been an awful ordeal. So I was really hoping the SMZ would work.

Kathy texted me the next day, Tuesday, while at work to let me know that Lily was moving around well. She was out with the other 3 mares and they had been allowed to go out into the huge front field for a few hours. When I got to the barn in the evening, Lily was super bright and the leg did indeed look better: the swelling had "sunken" to her fetlock but she was moving around SO much better. I gave her her evening dose of bute (Kathy had given her her pm antibiotic dose) and a warm mash (wind chills were in the single digits. WTF MD weather??!) while she wore her ice boot. Her temperature was down to 100. PHEW!!! The antibiotic was working.

Before icing

Lily's leg on Wednesday looked even better. I had gone out to the barn before work to give her her bute dose and ice the leg (she hates the bute syringes and she won't eat the medicine in her food, so I was trying to keep her from getting syringe-shy with Kathy by giving her some of the bute doses myself.) I set down everything in the barn and got Lily out from the field. It was in the 30's but it felt really nice in the sun. Both of my mares were wearing double layers. I was fine with Lily keeping her sheet over her midweight, as she is clipped, but I decided to remove Gracie's sheet before doing anything with Lily. Gracie was being an absolute brat about it and took off before I could get the leg straps on the BRAND NEW sheet undone. (Note to self: no other horse is Lily. Lily would have gotten the message and waited for me to remove the sheet after the second request to stand. Lily is perfect. If horse is trying to run away while removing blanket, just tie the horse up and THEN do it safely.) She took off towards the bottom paddock and for whatever reason assumed that the gate to the big field was open. She slammed into that gate full-force without stopping and fell. It's kind of a wonder she didn't break anything...she got up and took off running around the paddock, sheet hanging from one hind leg now as she flew around at full speed, upsetting both Queenie and Deja. I didn't want her tearing through the gate to the upper paddock because of all of the rocks there (I REALLY didn't want her ripping that sheet to shreds, though it's a Schneiders so I guess it would have been replaced...) but instead of closing the gate to keep her in the bottom paddock, I stood at the entrance and yelled and waved my hands as she turned towards the gate from the far corner of the field. I was thinking she would either slow down enough for me to catch her or come to an absolute stop. There was PLENTY of room for her to do so. Deja and Queenie turned away from me like a normal horse would do. But what did my idiot beast do? She looked me right in the eye and barreled over me as if I wasn't there.

I sat up from the ground covered in blood. My head stung and my nose felt bruised and I'm thinking, "GODDAMN IT SHE FUCKING BROKE MY NOSE." I touched my nose and there was some blood but it didn't match the volume of blood I could feel around my neck and face. The world spun and reeled. There were black spots at the edge of my vision and I was extremely confused, "Where is the blood coming from?" Zoe suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Are you okay??!!" she asked. "I think so," I said, "I just don't know where this blood is coming from." "You have a cut on the back of your head," she said. "You need to go to the emergency room!'

I don't really remember walking from the field to the gate to Kathy's yard but I somehow made it through and called Charles as Kathy materialized to take me to the hospital. Charles was at home; he got the details of what had happened and called his hospital to let them know I was coming and what to expect.

It was an awful drive. Once sitting I was aware of how crazily the world was spinning around me, and closing my eyes did not make the feeling better. Poor Kathy. She was a superstar.

Charles walked through the hospital doors less than a minute after we had walked into the lobby. He took me straight to the back triage room where immediately there were a nurse, a PA and a tech to get my story, examine me, and wash the cut on the back of my head. They were all friends of Charles's so there was a lot of joking around. It was nice to get to meet everyone and I was laughing right along with them, but I would have preferred to meet them under normal social circumstances!  My back was palpated and a basic neuro exam was done to make sure my brain was working normally. Everything was fine, and Charles was able to be present for EVERYTHING. I was sent to CT and the report came back normal. So I was diagnosed with a minor concussion. My head was numbed with lidocaine and the 3" cut on the back of my skull was sutured closed. 14 stitches. And then I went home. 3 hours total for everything and everyone was just wonderful. Compassionate, professional, empathetic. I was giggling over stuff Charles was saying while the cut was being lidocained and the PA stopped for a second because she thought I was crying in pain! I told her she was doing a fantastic job and to continue. There are huge perks to having family work in hospitals.

Oh, and my nose is fine. All the blood was from a scrape on my nostril. Not sure how that happened. And I'm really lucky Bitch Mare didn't step on me. All the trauma was from falling backwards and hitting my head on the rocks.

Note to self: wear helmet ALL THE TIME with horses, not just riding. Pony Club is onto something.

The world is still spinning this morning. I hope this is both the first and the last concussion ever. I don't even want to think about what a more serious concussion would feel like. It's pretty awful anyway. This is the first time I've actually been sent to the ER by a horse and it was my third visit to the ER ever in my life.

Gracie will get a neuro exam (because this is maybe the 8th time I've seen her fall while running in the pasture since moving to Kathy's) and based on what happens, the options are:
- lots and lots and lots of groundwork if everything is normal. We have been doing a lot of groundwork these past few weeks and the mare is much better if she is paying attention to you, but I really, really HATE that her default mode is to not respect people's personal space
- if everything is normal and her lack of respect for personal space continues despite groundwork, she will be sold or returned to her previous owner
- if she has untreatable neuro disease or something else that is not treatable, she will either be retired or euthanised depending on what it is

I know my dear reader is probably shocked that I jumped from barbed wire to concussion to possible euthanasia and your head is probably spinning like mine is while you're reading. But I assure you I am in my right mind. What happened is this: I thought, "This horse has sent both Charles and I into the ER in less than 5 months. What will happen next?" And my brain zeroed in on the falling. She falls every time she runs in the pasture. Every time. Even when she's just playing and goofing around. It's always at the canter/gallop, and it happens regardless of footing. Even when the footing has been dry. My fear is: if she falls every time she is running without a rider, what happens if she bolts while ridden on trail? She could cripple or kill Charles or me if she falls on the trail while running.

I hate thinking like this and I've never had to make that sort of call personally on a horse. Actually, I've never seen a horse die. So it's not a decision I make lightly. But this was a really big second strike and the only way this horse gets another chance is if she is neurologically normal.

Yup, I should just stick with cats.

November, you can be over now. Kthxbye.

An Example of an Epic Buck

For those of you who wanted to see a photo, I do have one of Lily's spectacular bucks:

This photo was taken back in Florida, right after Hurricane Isaac-we turned the horses out after they'd been cooped up for 48 hours and they were all very frisky. Lily was not kicking at the mini-it's just a weird angle. He's way back by the fence. She was standing right next to that puddle on the ground when she leaped up in the air.

See? She gets AIR, I tell you! And this is a play buck...now imagine her doing this, but with her nose between her knees! 

I Should be a Professional Bronc Rider...

On Monday, it was wet and slushy-we'd had freezing rain in the early morning that had quickly turned to just rain. The power went out in our apartment, so I decided to go to the barn a little earlier than planned, since I had nothing to do at home. Charles came with me.

It was only sprinkling a bit by the time we got to the barn. All of the horses were in, warm in their stalls. BQ had e-mailed all of us boarders because one of the senior horses had been euthanized Saturday night due to a really bad colic (they think he had an intestinal lipoma that flipped and created a torsion) and had been placed in the indoor for easy accessibility-John usually buries the horses that pass away on property, but he needs to rent a backhoe to do so. He couldn't rent the machine on Sunday, and it doesn't have a covered cabin, so on Monday morning he still hadn't been able to do it due to the freezing rain. Thankfully it was cold... It's a gruesome thing if you don't deal with this kind of situation day in and day out, but working in veterinary medicine, you get desensitized to this kind of thing. So the old boy was still in the indoor when we arrived late Monday morning, covered with a horse blanket.

Thus, I took Lily to the outdoor arena with her waterproof sheet on, and walked her around, then set her loose and let her walk around on her own. I then put the lunge line on her and worked on getting her to disengage front and hind ends in turn, which we had not practiced in a long time. She has become re-sensitized to whips so it took us awhile to get it right...*sigh* Once I had her reasonably disengaging, I walked her around again, then set her free again for a little bit. My plan was to bring her indoors in a few minutes.

Uncertain about the whip

Disengaging the hindquarters

Taking a break

Pretty girl

Following me without a lead

Trotting next to me without the lunge line

Well, that didn't happen. My silly mare decided she didn't want to come in just yet (we'd been out for 40 minutes by that time), so she was going to trot and gallop around the arena as much as possible. She would stop and stare at me occassionally, but would not come, and every time I walked towards her, she'd start to walk away. So I would chase her off and MAKE her run some more.

And she's off...

So AN HOUR LATER she finally decided she had had enough and kinda sorta came to me, and by then the wind had picked up and both Charles and I were freezing, so I accepted her half-hearted approach and called it a day.

Walking her around the arena afterwards to cool off

I NEED to do more groundwork with her, as the following day she was VERY NAUGHTY, and I think it is related to what happened in the arena on Monday.

I was covering for my supervisor at work, so I worked Tuesday, but it was so slow that I left an hour early and headed for the barn. The weather was much better and it was warmer, so I had packed a change of clothes that morning. The horse in the indoor had been buried late Monday afternoon, and the arena sprinkled and dragged. However, everyone was riding outside-the weather was too nice not to! Lily had just been fed her grain when I went to get her in her stall, and she wasn't exactly happy about being taken away from her dinner. She was COVERED in mud, from head to toe. Every inch of her. There was a pile of dry clay powder on the floor underneath her by the time I was done currying her! I tacked up and took her to the outdoor, where Bunny's owner was riding. Bunny's mom had just started cooling down when we walked into the arena, so Lily and I did a short walk warm-up around the arena, then started trotting. Bunny and her mom left as we were finishing our trot warm-up. Lily was very "up" - she felt wired, but wasn't being skittish, so shortly after Bunny had left and I saw them go into the barn, I asked Lily to canter. She gave me a perfect canter depart and we did one full turn around the arena. The funny thing is that it actually crossed my mind, "She hasn't done anything at the canter in a long time. What a relief!" Famous last words. On perfect cue, just when I had completed that thought, Lily brought her shoulders up, cracked her back, and bucked. And bucked and bucked. And since I was staying on, she bucked some more.  My stirrups came off and I was still sticking to her back, but she was getting so much air with each leap that I was having a hard time yanking her head up from its place between her knees AND keeping my seat. You don't understand-this mare gets AIR when she bucks. I've seen her shadow, and her bucks are as high off the ground as they feel. She gets at least 4' between the ground and her front legs. All I have in front of me when she does this are her withers and empty space-when her nose is jammed between her front legs like that, it's very hard for little 125 lb me to yank her face back up, when my own center of gravity has been thrown back towards her loins!

THIS is how Lily BUCKS!!! Photo from this website.

I finally managed to pull hard on the reins with my left hand (mind you, I was staying on without grabbing onto anything AND stirrup-less-this was a pure balancing act) in an attempt to stop her, but my pulling her head caused her to TWIST in midair and make the bucks all the angrier, which was my undoing. 

I came off, she tore away across the arena to the gate while I hopped back up to my feet, and I ran over to her, pulled her away from the gate and immediately got back on and sent her into a fierce trot. BRAT!!!!

We trotted and trotted and trotted. I had the reins tight- there was no way in hell she was getting her head back during this workout- she had her neck arched and nose vertical, but so I had all of her up and in front of me. It was as if for the first time I had full access to and control of her hind legs. We did some spectacular work, simply because we were so mad at each other. She was furious that I had gotten back on and she had to work more (for the first time, she wasn't fearful of me after being naughty), and I was furious at her for succeeding in viciously getting me off. I had her doing full circles in shoulder in and leg yield, first one way and then the other, zig-zag leg-yields, tiny concentric circles, spiraling in and spiraling out. All at sitting trot. She was changing direction at a split seconds' notice-as soon as I cued, she was there. My seat was where it was supposed to be, and I was sitting up straight as a pole in the saddle, weight centered. I could see her legs crossing correctly in our shadow, no matter what we did or which direction we went, as we rode in the pool of light from the arena lamps. We cantered half circles (to prove a point), then trotted more. Extend the trot, collect, extend, collect, then circle some more.

I had to laugh at the end, because Lily's true moments of absolute brilliance always seem to be after she has been bad. You know how when you get mad at your partner and fight, the sex is always the best right after? Yup, that's exactly how it is riding my silly mare after she's been bad-she gives me the BEST rides. Jeez, really? Lily, can't you just be that awesome WITHOUT the naughtiness?

I asked her to back up, and she backed up all the way across the arena, just off of a shift in my seat, and kept on going until I sat up straight. At this point, I got off, but we did some groundwork to cool down. I picked up the lunge whip that sits by the arena gate, and we did some more work on disengaging front and hind end. Lily initially really thought I was going to beat her and rolled her eyes at me and tried to back up away from me. *sigh* So I rubbed the whip all over her neck and shoulders, stepped back, and she stepped forwards, then disengaged her hind end both directions, and each time she did it correctly, I had her rest, whip pointed down. She would respond by sighing, dropping her head, and licking and chewing. Textbook response. The front end is always a challenge with her, but after 10 minutes more, she really understood to the point where I could point the whip at her neck and she would step away. At this point, I could also get her to turn in a circle around me, facing me head-on while crossing her back legs as she moved. This was fantastic progress, so we stopped, and she asked to come to me. I let her, and we called it quits for the day.

She had cooled down, but was still drenched in sweat. She got scrubbed with a wet brush, then rubbed down, then I placed her cooler on her while I picked up and cleaned all of our stuff. By then she was about 75% dry, and her stall was warm, so I let her go in with her dinner.

Why did she buck? I think it had to do with Bunny's leaving the arena and it being dinner time. She probably would not have bucked if I had waited longer to ask her to canter. Lily has gotten used to her routine, so I have to start breaking it for her. I hate horses that get so stuck in a routine that they won't work. I also probably should have lunged her a bit prior to working her to let her get the bucks out then-I knew she was "up" from the moment I got on her. I had actually been expecting her to have a bucking fit when mounting up-that's how "up" she was. So yes-maybe I should have waited longer to canter, maybe I should have lunged her. But it is still unacceptable behavior, especially given the maliciousness of it-she WANTED me to come off- so we're going to be doing a lot more groundwork from now on.

I ordered a bucking strap on eBay.